Mary's Meanderings in Azerbaijan: Here Comes the Bride

Here comes the bride…

The roles of men and women here are very specific and well-defined, steeped in traditional values meant to hold the society together for the common good. And in traditional societies, customs are strong societal virtues, holding more value than in America, which is a less tradition-bound and more fluid society, valuing often more that which is innovative and individualistic than that which is traditional and communal. The customs here are therefore quite different than what we know in America. After formal schooling, with rare exception, males and females do not socialize, and even find it awkward to communicate with each other. A woman, for example, may not even find it comfortable to speak to a man on the phone or on the street to ask for, or to offer him, something as simple as directions. (These are the reasons women do not go into internet cafes or tea cafes, places where men gather.) Most common decision–making and information asking or giving—such as directions to one’s home-- is deferred to the man of the house. And virtually all children, even adult children, follow the decisions made by their parents—regarding their schooling, their free-time, where they live, their jobs, and whom they marry. It is not so much that parents control with coercion the lives of their children, but rather people defer out of love and respect to their parents’ wishes and advice on almost all matters. In similar fashion, students defer to their teachers—most classroom learning is rote memorization, decided by and dictated by administrative decision-makers—critical thinking skills and creative learning are concepts that are being introduced where possible, but are not yet a strong part of the educational tradition. Following tradition, as well as pleasing and honoring the wishes and advice of parents and teachers, is what everyone here expects and is used to. In America, we have all been raised at an early age to figure things out for ourselves, make our own decisions, and this individualism and independence is prevalent in all aspects of our culture, influencing education, family life, marriage/wedding customs, and on into old age. But in Azerbaijan, where virtually everyone is expected to be married by mid-twenties, many customs are designed to reinforce the traditional way of doing things. Parents guide, protect, and make decisions for their children throughout their lives. Children marry and have children of their own. And when old, people are cared for by their adult children—in their homes. A few old-age institutions do exist, but only for those deemed very unfortunate to have never had children of their own to care for them. (It has even been suggested to me that some of my own children are disrespecting me by choosing to live so far away from my home!—'Who will take care of you?' they ask me!) This explains in part the importance of marriage and the likelihood that parents will influence the choice of marriage partners—it represents a security for society.

Recently someone I know has become engaged, and I know the customs surrounding this will interest some…so, listen up, Robby and Audrey, and et.al.—you know who you are ;-). Customs here are fascinatingly different. Marriages are often quasi-arranged, and in this case here, the young woman became acquainted with and spoke with her now fiancé for only several weeks prior to the announced engagement. Marriage is considered so important, that the Azeri word for ‘unmarried’ is also the word for ‘homeless.’ Some parents make plans to buy a small apartment for their marriageable child, to enhance their marriage-suitability, or they arrange for space in their own home—often newly-weds move in with the groom’s parents, until they can arrange to afford their own place. Television programs devote hours every day to helping people find mates, and to celebrating televised marriages so that even those at home can rejoice and participate, dancing along to the traditional wedding dances in one’s own living room. In villages it is still common sometimes for first cousins to marry each other, though, as it has been explained to me, it is only considered OK for such a marriageable cousin to come from the mother’s side of the family, since it is believed that blood and blood-type is inherited only through the father, and therefore a cousin from the father’s side would be a genetically unwise prospective mate. In many cases, a young man desirous of finding a mate—or feeling pressure from his parents-- may see a picture of a local girl he finds interesting. He may then find out where she works or lives and arrange to catch a few glimpses of her. If still interested, he may find out her phone number and give her a call. If she, too, is interested after talking to him, for several weeks they may talk on the phone—but not meet or go out in person. In other cases, the couple may have known each other from school-days or from the town, and now that they are of marriageable age, they simply decide (or their parents decide) that they should plan on becoming engaged. At this point it is then agreed that the parents should formally meet to discuss whether or not the boy and girl would make good marriage partners for each other. The first meeting may just be between the boy’s parents and the girl’s parents. It is a time to find out more in depth the family background, and if the young people come from reputable families. Family reputation is very important, more important than one’s career or academic successes—hence sometimes it is considered desirous to match up cousins, where the family reputation is mutually shared. If the first meeting results in a favorable impression on the part of the parents, the prospective bride’s parents invite the boy’s family once again. This time a few more female family members might be included—grandmothers, aunts, female cousins. At this second meeting, a special tea will be served. If the tea is very sweet, it means that the bride’s family agrees to the wedding engagement; if not, an unsweetened tea will be served to the boy’s female relatives. Everyone understands the significance of the sweet/unsweet tea, and realizes also it is too impolite to directly say “no,” in personal matters such as this, just like in commercial business dealings (as I have previously described, directly saying ‘no’ is culturally very inappropriate; a young girl, interested in a man as a prospective fiancé, may even have a family member approach her father to ‘ask’ the father’s opinion on the matter; this way, if the father does not approve, both father and daughter are saved from the embarrassment that might be caused by having the father directly refuse with a ‘no’ answer.) Now that a sweet tea offering to the prospective groom’s family has been made, an official engagement party may take place. In the weeks following, the young couple may actually begin to date or go out with each other, in order to get to know the person that they (and their respective families) have decided they should marry. The young couple may meet for tea at a restaurant (there are a few in Mingechavir where women would not feel out of place), or they may meet by the river, and spend some time talking about and planning their wedding.

Weddings in Azerbaijan are most elaborate. They are held in huge “wedding palaces”. These types of weddings are meant for 500 or more to attend; every evening on TV there is a complete section (about 15 minutes) of advertisements dedicated to the wedding palaces, and they are truly very large and very fancy establishments. Even small villages have wedding palaces. The events are catered with lots of specialty food and national dishes. Traditional music is always played and traditional Azerbaijani dancing is for everyone who attends. For most of the wedding, the bride and groom sit at a table on a small stage above the crowd, but they do join in the dancing, too. All photos of the couple show them and other family members with solemn looks on their faces—not because the occasion isn’t joyous, but because it is also serious, and it is customary for people not to smile when have photos taken. Obviously the events can be so large that some people have two weddings—one for the groom’s side of the family and one for the bride’s. And they are surely very expensive. As a result, it is customary for people invited to a wedding (which is called a “toy” in Azerbaijani) to put money in an envelope to pay for at least their own meal at the party. This is often in lieu of a gift, since most brides enter into a marriage with a dowry of items to set up house-keeping, that have been prepared and set aside for her since her youth. Gifts, therefore, are not so important, nor necessary, but money to defray the cost of the celebration is expected, and tabulated. Some business people can be invited to many weddings over the course of a month, to the extent that much of their monthly salary could go towards attending the weddings of the children of business associates.

Just before the wedding, the bride’s best girlfriends/sisters hold a “henna” party for her…the Azerbaijani bachelorette or hen party is truly a party with henna. Elaborate designs may be drawn on her hands and wrists, and sometimes her name and the groom’s name will be drawn in henna on the girl’s palms and wrapped then with a red ribbon. It may stay this way until the next day—the day of the wedding. The boy, too, has a bachelor party of sorts, but here it is traditional for the groom’s best friends/brothers to take him to have a bath--it may be at an elaborate and expensive Turkish bath establishment, as in Baku, or it may be as simple as the shower of a friend’s apartment. The idea is to wash off all bachelorhood and prepare him to be clean for his bride the next day.

Every day one sees wedding cars driving down the main street headed for one of the wedding palaces. They are decorated with flowers or with tulle netting tied in fancy bows encompassing the car(s). One of the wedding palaces here in town is all lit up at night with neon lights to look somewhat like the fancy hotels of Las Vegas.

Well…more will follow, as the wedding of my friend approaches…

Wedding dresses often have red sashes, which represent purity, and are removed as part of the wedding celebration, similar to removing a bride's blue garter...